Random entries of personal insights, analysis and whining.......
Self-Actualization
Sunday, August 16, 2020
10:35 AM
I've hit upon this term as a way of describing - partly - how I explain my unexplainable ambition for projects, etc.
According to the brief on a Wikipedia post;
Self-actualization, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, is the highest level of psychological development where the "actualization" of full personal potential is achieved, which occurs usually after basic bodily and ego needs have been fulfilled.
Maslow (1943, 1954) stated that human motivation is based on people seeking fulfillment and change through personal growth. Self-actualized people are those who are fulfilled and doing all they are capable of. It refers to the person's desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. "The specific form that these needs will take will of course vary greatly from person to person. In one individual it may take the form of the desire to be an ideal mother, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in still another it may be expressed in painting pictures or in inventions."
So I've had to ask myself, where does this compulsion to compose, arrange and produce come from? It also seems to be partly tied to need to "cocoon" - to arrange my surroundings in a comfortable, pleasing, productive and organized way.
Others - among them my old boss, Dwayne Howell - have noted my tendency to want to do everything that comes into my head. There's certainly that.
Some of it has to do with curiosity and the desire to be a "renaissance man" - and that was more inspired by my early readings about people like Jefferson, Franklin and others who had the intellect, time and patience to wander through all sorts of hobbies.
I don't have their intellect, and there are too many distractions now - but I still have the curiosity and unexplainable drive to produce some personal expressions.
Some of it must also be that early drive to create a legacy……which is another post. But to that point, I saw a recent "meme" (which I hate referring to) that said 'A Birth Certificate Shows You Were Born - A Death Certificate Shows You Died - But A Scrapbook Shows You Lived.' It might not be a scrapbook, exactly, but the notion in leaving a legacy in your creations or compositions is the same.
ADD - 7/8/21 - Saw a program last night on the philosophies of Marx and Nietzsche and on the latter there was a reference to the emptiness following the death of God that requires us to construct a value system. His relationship with Wagner convinced him that art and human creativity play a major role in defining ourselves. There is a natural corollary here to my search for self-actualization.
Relative Health
Sunday, April 15, 2018
6:44 PM
On the one hand we're to understand that a lot of social contact has beneficial health affects. But what if those contacts also induce anxiety and stress. Part of what I'm trying to be better about is eliminating sources of stress. Not that I don't like people -- just only in small doses. So I'm feeling more free to be picky about when I do.
I also tend to believe that my 'essential tremor' is a symptom of years of anxiety. To wit,
It's really been a conflict between two opposing influences. First, is a primal impulse to retreat; to avoid being judged and 'inadequate' in some regard.* I'd rather be on my own and that's difficult in many life situations. The second, competing reason, is the need for financial security. I've had to be 'out there' in those life situations and engaged in ways that would ensure that security. But the conflict between these two have caused me great and lasting anxiety, and possibly health-wise, and critically robbed me of the conscious time in life. They combine to make a mindset that is always focused on getting through the next hurdle, the next event, the next meeting. Never focusing on the NOW, but getting past it. All I want to do is go back to some seclusion, but my material security needs force me to do it - all creating anxiety and pushing past time.
*And the root cause is deep-seated confidence problem - that ends up just making me more comfortable alone.
Metaphor
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
7:20 AM
My anxiety about playing drums and public speaking are good metaphors or maybe symptoms of my mentality - that fear of screwing up overwhelms my ability to see my freedom and thus my potential enjoyment of life. So much of my mentality is spent worrying about security. And to get that security it’s playing it safe; locked in a routine and worrying and calculating about money. And it’s worrying about measuring up to other people’s expectations. What would it look like? I sometimes see it on the horizon. Just being in a space where I don’t have to worry about security or being in situations with any performance anxiety.
This has morphed from one observation into another, more familiar one; that I really long for splendid isolation - just so I don’t have to face either the judgements or the feelings of inadequacy.
That’s the insecurity I’m always battling and is self perpetuating. It’s fed and reinforced by expressions of inadequacy from all around me. My wife tells me I’m inadequate. My work tells me I’m inadequate. My friends tell me I’m inadequate. It feeds my anxiety. And it blocks my ability to feel my freedom. Is it any wonder that I just want to be left alone.
Now if I can just throw away a lot of my own expectations of myself too. But that’s a security and “order” thing as well.
Hiding
Sunday, January 27, 2019
12:13 PM
The two words that keep animating my relations with others and why I just want to be left alone are; constantly being told, or given the impression I'm INADQEQUATE or DEFICIENT in some way. I know I've written about this before, but from my earliest days I've just wanted to escape all the judgment and critique. That's all I seem to get from my family, from work and even from friends.
Far from being lonely when I'm by myself - I feel a sense of liberation. I don't have to answer to anyone, meet anyone's expectations. I'm free to live by my own standards. And what might those be, is a good question. I've struggled with that. Playing the drums or writing or any of my creative projects are measured by external standards of quality - measured by others. I suppose I'd prefer just to feel the accomplishment in my own way, but wouldn't I want validation from others at some point?
This is, of course, tied into my own sense of insecurity. When faced with a task or challenge I'm more afraid of failure and humiliation than I am about the prospect of achievement and success. At the end of of the day, that's probably what animates me more and I'll ultimately settle for living with my own measures of success.
To be continued….so what is the distinction of what I want to achieve? It is something I've always wanted to understand and which I've had trouble articulating, but part of my attraction to philosophy and a distinct part of my character. How can I begin to describe? It's understanding the nature of reality and my (our) place in time - appreciating the finiteness of our existence and place in this universe. It is not really spiritual as much as metaphysical.
This is really what I'd like to spend my time contemplating and working on -- but for the necessary life distractions.
Drums-2019
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
9:46 AM
At the recent practice for the Picnic, Dan chided me about stumbling over a simple groove with "'you should spend time on this kind of coordination and not on complicated grooves that you'll never use."
Well. This is a great illustration of never assuming too much about what others do and how they do it, but also about how their brain is wired and their expectations.
First of all, I work on my drumming about five days a week, usually some two plus hours each time, which works out to 10-12 hours weekly. The vast majority of the time - probably 70 percent - I'm working on mastering control - almost always with a metronome. That is, doing exercises that would improve my coordination and timing* Do I work on 'complicated grooves?' Sure, I see something I think looks really cool and I try to work it out and get to a point where I can play it smoothly. And that makes up about 20% of my time toward the end of my session. I do this as a mental and physical exercise. It is a challenge that is satisfying to conquer and boosts my confidence and sense of well-being.
Similarly, I've recently taken up yoga. There are obviously many things my body cannot (any longer) do easily. But by working at them consistently, I expand my envelope of flexibility and make progress. It is a form of therapy, both physically and psychologically. Similarly, working on the drums is a form of therapy - though it has an artistic, emotional element that I try to incorporate into projects. But the personal purpose of it is similar -- especially since it is such a challenge. Personal development, in a variety of forms, has always been a focus for me - but that's for another entry.
So when I'm admonished not to 'work on grooves I'll never use' that only seems relevant if the goal is to play the drums with others in a band in performance. That is not my goal. I wouldn't practice yoga to 'perform' it in front of others and I don't look at the drums that way.
Which brings me to the second reason why the observation is not relevant. Public performance terrifies me. Whether it is public speaking or playing the drums, I am so petrified that I cannot execute the material. (I'm reminded of an old Honeymooners episode in which Ralph and Norton are rehearsing for a commercial. Ralph is confident and relaxed in practice, but freezes when the camera rolls.) My go-to in managing both situations is to script them in detail, and rehearse and memorize each piece. At best, that results in a jittery, robotic performance. At worst, the nerves and anxiety can wipe the slate clean of all that preparation. And certainly relaxation and the spontaneity that comes with it, are out of the question.
So why have I kept doing the Picnic thing? For the same reasons I've continued to publicly speak in my work; because I have to. It is an expectation, and to some extent, an obligation. And more importantly, to stop would be an admission of failure, which I simply can't bring myself to do. So as much as I try to avoid speaking in my work, I know it's an expectation. I need to get through it in the most respectable way possible and look forward to the day when I never have to do it again. Similarly, if the Picnic production ended this year, I'd be relieved. I will not have to go through the humiliation of struggling with the guys or the anxiety of facing a crowd…..but I will not have quit, either.
When Martha asks me if this event is 'fun,' it's not really the right question, either. But the whole "fun" thing requires a different kind of deep dive.
Later is Now
Thursday, January 2, 2020
9:24 AM
I've deferred so much over my life. Consciously or unconsciously putting things on a back burner with 'I'll get to that later.' That's simple things like email messages or stories to read, but also larger projects, like drumming, recording or writing. They've been waiting for the proverbial 'someday.' Well, I'm now trying to come to grips with the fact that I've arrived. I don't have quite the financial worries, the kids are grown and I'm running out of time and energy. I need to prioritize those things I've put off.
Alone
Monday, January 6, 2020
9:50 PM
I know it sounds odd that I prefer to do most things by myself. But it eliminates the anxiety of others' expectations. I find more comfort and peace when not having to worry if I keeping up with someone's pace or 'competing' to the same level.
I have also felt that most people want something from me. Whether that's a work project (which would be expected) or money, or attention, or recognition. Even conversations sometimes feel like obligations for me to come up with something to fill the space…..which is why I prefer to be alone and not have the obligation. (though in retirement, I'm finding I don't need to fill the empty space).
I've also had the psychological burden of always feeling as though I'm being watched. That there's someone looking over my shoulder, evaluating me, judging me and constraining me. It has made it difficult for me to 'realize my freedom' -- and been a constant inner battle to overcome.
Schedule
Thursday, July 2, 2020
11:10 AM
It's important to mix up what activities are done when during the day to 1) realize and appreciate my freedom and 2) to better understand the energy and efficiency needed for each activity.
Authenticity
Friday, July 17, 2020
11:22 AM
Being authentically free means also realizing you don't have an audience.
The Meaning of Success
Thursday, July 23, 2020
9:01 PM
A neighbor in Castle Park, Doug Conant, just published a book on his experiences and lessons learned. I haven't read yet, so I shouldn't prejudge. Martha went to a talk he had on it and we discussed.
It brought up the topic and discussion of mentors and, to my mind, the meaning of success. And begged the question, whether "success" in any of our minds is defined by our jobs or careers. Martha and I agreed that it depends on the individual.
I've never felt comfortable defining myself by my job. It was always a way to get a paycheck and, in fact, my definition of success in my profession was simply, 'doing the least amount of work for the highest pay possible.' Probably not unlike most people. Defining 'success' by your job is, I think, a luxury. Most people, especially working class people, need to get a paycheck. Having that luxury is a function of the more educated.
Character has always been a key component of how I define myself - and not necessarily what I accomplish for an organization. I understand that was part of Doug's talk - though I have a hard time squaring the demands of conscience and the demands of an organization. Firing is one example.
I've pondered my own definition of success, generally; not confined to occupation. It's still vague, but it revolves around "leaving a legacy of self-expression and definition……" ?? that provides guidance…..meaning…..that part I haven't figured out.
But leaving something in the real essence of yourself - beyond 'strategic planning', and other transient things that won't matter in 20 years - seems more long-lasting.
Unfortunately, Martha sees my questioning and examination of these things as 'bitter' and 'resentful.' I really don't understand what she means. But it drives me to be more withdrawn. It's another thing I can't talk about without being seen as inadequate or deficient.
But the meaning of success and, for my ambitions, legacy, is something I need to keep exploring.
Tumbler Motto
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
12:26 PM
Well said inspiration for how I feel about drums and other things:
"I don't play to win competitions, nor do I play to other people's acceptances.
I play to escape this world.
I play to find peace with myself.
I play to feel free.
And I play to feel strong."
Obviously, if this was on a tumbler for sale, there are other people out there who feel the same way.
Vision
Sunday, August 16, 2020
10:22 AM
A part of "self-actualization" (another post to do) - should be to elevate my awareness to both the discipline of mindfulness (the recognition of the moment) but also artistic framework; the beauty, harmony and meaning of what's around, its significance and how it can be viewed to achieve a higher appreciation of our/my presence.
Silence is Golden
Tuesday, January 26, 2021
10:21 AM
A late-in-life realization is that I've felt compelled to fill quiet periods. Whether in the car with Martha, around the boys, at work when comment is solicited at a meeting or in conversations. I feel the need to fill it. I'm sure it's tied up with my insecurities - though it's often tied up with ego and demonstrating 'what I know.'
But I don't have to. Retirement and a reexamination of my character has made me realize both my freedom to "be" without having to prove myself, not having my identity tied up with a job/position - coupled with a sense of humility and peace. I don't have to prove anything and don't have to talk. And I can revert to my youth and spend more time listening with more humility.
Conflicts of Mind
Sunday, March 14, 2021
11:37 AM
My natural inclination - that I know all too well, and pointed out to me by Dwayne Howell - is that if I think of something, I have to do it (mostly). A corollary to that is the lists of things I have to 'accomplish' and self-defined goals, all in the interest of being "everything"- a childhood obsession. That could be going through a number of books, reviewing a whole series of emails, accomplishing a stack of drum lessons, maintaining an historical documenting system, writing pieces, completing a list of household chores, fixing imperfections in space or living, etc. It's never ending. It's the reason I've flitted from one thing to another; a jack of all trades, master of none.
This kind of 'attention deficit disorder' has deprived me of the focus to really concentrate on the details, the ability to meditate on the small and momentary. Even to the extent that life is going on around me, my mind is in ten other spaces.
In retirement, I want to understand how I can slow down (a life-long goal) and appreciate that I have the time to focus.
Keeping At Arms Length
Tuesday, July 13, 2021
9:36 PM
More and more, I'm feeling either taken for granted, not respected or just treated poorly.
My kids visibly turn off when I say anything…..or walk away. They clearly don't think I know what I'm talking about or have nothing valuable to impart. My wife ignores me, treats me dismissively, or dictates to me.
To be sure, these are impressions I've had from friends and work colleagues over the years. It is difficult to assess them objectively - but to the extent I can, I think they're valid. As I've mentioned before, there is something distinctive about my personality, affect or approach that is counterproductive and makes me easily dismissed.
It is part of that nagging feeling of being repeatedly told I’m inadequate or deficient.
And I find this so incredibly insulting and painful…..on an almost a daily basis.
My response - and this is now a conscious strategy - is to disengage. Not that I completely turn off. But I need to keep quiet and not become emotionally invested in other people's discussion. Rather, focus more on my own goals and priorities; my "world." And not care or invest myself in other people's train of thought, issues or priorities. They're not mine. If I've been too know-it-all, directive or "oldest child", maybe this will help address that tendency - at least in distance and silence.
Ironically, this might actually accord me more respect. But that's not the point. I've known and commented on this for years - decades - but I need to not use other people's measure of me as my own measure. And to do that, I have to disregard their measure - which is easiest when I disregard them.
It is, simultaneously, as a part of a discipline, the most effective way of centering myself and finding my authentic voice. Other people make too much noise. And, truthfully, most of it is not well informed or insightful. It drags me down. And it should not be difficult to ignore or pass by.
This sounds like shutting out others. Antisocial. Maybe it is. So a related question; they say that your health and longevity is affected by your social connections and community. That it relieves stress. But let me ask (and I don't know the answer to this) is it more stressful to not have the social connections or to experience stress and anxiety - and its effects - from social connections?
It is, of course, a sad state of affairs. But it is what it is, and that's the road I have to navigate.
I've always been reluctant to compare myself with him - or our marital relationships - but I'm beginning to understand why Tec sort of 'shut down' in his final years. It was attributed to clinical depression. But I think, like me, he didn't feel heard or respected and he had a wife who dictated their agenda, priorities and intimacy. He'd had it. So it was easiest to just disengage -- and especially when the intimacy was turned off.
Pushing Tolerance
Friday, January 14, 2022
1:40 PM
There have been so many times when I’ve been faced by adversity, and sometimes avoidable discomfort, and pushed myself to suck it up and tolerate it - or see how far I could go - as some sort of character test.
I think I now might be getting past it. There’s often no need. Comfort is something I should be able to enjoy without suffering an endurance test.
Old habits are hard to break, though.
Self-Improvement
Saturday, February 19, 2022
10:31 AM
Has really been an obsessive component - in the interest of self-actualization - which requires reflection, insights, self-control and discipline.
It is in the interests of personal growth - and to acquire a knowledge that becomes wisdom…..
I have always been slow in my life - in understanding the world and in learning. And I too often assumed that I just "couldn't" do something that I'd initially tried. It has been way too late in life (my 60s!) that I've begun to appreciate that anyone can do anything if they put enough effort/practice into it. Sounds simple, but it's been the cause of so much self-doubt.
Self-Reinvention
Thursday, January 19, 2023
2:55 PM
Realizing I’m completely free of the definitions of my previous work life - or any others - I have the freedom to define myself anew - with a self consciousness about self confidence - even down to the ability of calmness in conversation in modulated tones and without the need to prove anything or be demonstrative — expand
Framework of Resolution
Monday, January 23, 2023
8:16 AM
Section 1
Identify and describe each issue and problem
Less Dialogue - I'm frequently talking when it isn't necessary - and often with either high-pitched demonstrative language that includes judgement or riffing on unimportant tangents. The result is that I make a poor, verbose, excited impression that is not taken seriously.
Impressions - I'm often concerned about talking too much about myself and not asking questions. Or talking too much and overwhelming a conversation. The result is that I'm not listening, understanding and learning about the person.
Judgmental - I am frequently either verbally or mentally making judgements about others. The result is that I become more closed-minded and preoccupied.
Slippery Discipline and Structure - As much as I've tried to structure my time to maximize productivity, it's been insufficient. Time management has been a consistent problem, partly because of poor discipline. The result is a frustration with a lack of achievement.
Headspace - The hamster wheel in my head is too often taken up with contrived dialogues or the mechanics of a schedule, calendar, logistics or trivia. The result is that time escapes me and the flavor of life passes.
***Disclaimer - This ground has been covered way too many times before. Observations and resolutions have been made. Then I get distracted and the focus and commitment are lost. Though I had expected that retirement would give me the time and concentration to make more lasting and serious commitments, it has been only partially successful.
I have to accept that as much as I might plan and commit there will continue to be setbacks. The benefit that retirement offers is the ability to plan more efficiently and zoom in on the problem areas.
Also, while these are listed as bulleted attributes, they are very interconnected and are attempts to describe adjustments of habit to improve character and fulfillment.
Section 2
Corresponding to Section 1, set about a series of habits, goals, rules and outlooks that will address each
Modulation
Reflection
Containment - isolation- independence….
Discipline - structure-scheduling
Mindfulness - calm
Physical improvement
___________________
From Marginalian
Tuesday, February 7, 2023
3:33 PM
?Maybe - a description of why self obsessiveness is a block to creativity
In literature, when a storyline involves victim and a persecutor, we call it a drama. In life, most acts of aggression or complaint (which are two sides of the same coin: the emotional currency of existential malcontentment), most tantrums thrown by otherwise reasonable adults, most blamethirsty fingers pointed at some impartial reality, involve the self-victimization of drama. People prone to drama have not only cast themselves as victims of a perpetrator in a plot, but have tacitly conceded that there isa plot, which presupposes a playwright — some external entity scripting the story in which they feel done unto. The person self-cast into a drama is resigned to being a character, insentient to Joan Didion’s fundamental law of having character: “Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.”Wherever there is drama, there is a deficiency of self-respect and too shallow a well of self-knowledge.
The ways in which we are all susceptible to drowning ourselves into drama, and what it takes to float free, is what Iris Murdoch(July 15, 1919–February 8, 1999) explores in her subtle, splendid 1978 novel The Sea, the Sea(public library) — the story of a talented but complacent playwright approaching the overlook of life, who is ultimately overcome by his tragic flaw: Despite his obsessive self-reflection (or perhaps precisely because of it), his egotism ultimately eclipses his creative spirit — that brightest and most generous part of us, the part rightly called our gift, the part that extends the outstretched hand of sympathy and wonder we call art and invites, in Iris Murdoch’s lovely phrase, “an occasion for unselfing.”
Looking back on his life, the elderly playwright reflects on his own art and its relation to life itself:
Emotions really exist at the bottom of the personality or at the top. In the middle they are acted. This is why all the world is a stage.
Murdoch’s entire body of work, from philosophy to fiction, can be thought of as one cohesive inquiry into the meaning of goodnessand the meaning of love, lensed through the meaning-machinery of art. She understood uniquely that we act out the messy middle of emotion because it is often too complex, contradictory, and category-defying for us to know what we are really feeling. Perennially half-opaque to ourselves, we feign surety and confidence in our reasons. Unwilling to fully live into what we are — anxious and uncertain creatures, tender and terrified throughout so much of life — we act ourselves into being, taking the stage costumed in false certitudes.
REGRETS
Tuesday, February 21, 2023
4:30 PM
To be placed in the 'self-analysis' portion of memoirs:
Letting people die alone - or not being there enough for them.
- I left my mother when she said she was scared - and wasn't there when she died
- I left Tec when he told me he was dying
- I didn't go see Doug Richardson as he suffered from ALS
- I didn't go see Wade when he was dying from cancer.
This is human nature. We want to avoid an uncomfortable situation and don't know what to say. But a true sense of empathy should inform our actions. No one wants to die alone. It's not as though they don't know what's going on. As a poignant song lyric says; love is watching someone die.
Self-Analysis Compilation
Monday, March 27, 2023
1:06 PM
Is my frustration with people - that they are always critical, judgmental of me; implying a deficiency or inadequacy -- really just my looking for recognition or approval? When I am productive in accomplishing some task(s) and Martha criticizes what I didn't do, are my hurt feelings because she's being critical….or because I had an expectation of praise or recognition for what I did? When DVS critiques my drumming, do I feel betrayed because he doesn't recognize how much work I've already put into it; or am I relying on his approval too much?
The answer is frequently that I need to do things for myself - and not for the recognition or approval of anyone else. But that means putting more distance between myself and others. If I don't care what they think……I don't care about what they think…..
My M.O.
Thursday, October 12, 2023
10:50 AM
my usual M.O.: Avoid doing stuff that sounds like it’s a pain in the neck, especially if it has the potential to lead to public embarrassment.
Anthony Hopkins Wisdom
Wednesday, January 3, 2024
1:16 PM
Let go of people who are not ready to love you.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing.
Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are not interested in your presence.
I know your instinct is to do everything possible to gain the appreciation of those around you, but it's an impulse that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you start fighting for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you to that place.
It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who aren't ready to be with you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and your life.
Truth is you ain't for everybody and everybody ain't for you.
This is what makes it so special when you find people you have friendship with or mutual love.
You will know how precious it is because you have experienced what is not.
There are billions of people on this planet and many of them you will find at your level of interest and commitment.
Maybe if you stop showing up, they won't look for you.
Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship ends.
Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for weeks.
That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing sustaining it was the energy you only gave to keep it.
That's not love, that's attachment.
It's giving a chance to those who don't deserve it!
You deserve so much more.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, as both are limited.
The people and things you give your time and energy to, will define your existence.
When you realize this you start to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, activities or spaces that don't suit you and shouldn't be near you.
You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.
Make your life a safe haven, where only people "compatible" with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone.
You are not responsible for convincing them to do better.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life!
You deserve real friendships, true commitments and a complete love with healthy and prosperous people.
Decision to distance yourself from toxic people, will give you the love, esteem, happiness and protection you deserve.
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