2021

Vulnerability - April 13

I saw a very thought-provoking TED talk the other day by a woman who researches people's sense of self worth.  One of the findings from her research struck a chord with me - that those who are most comfortable are those most willing to be vulnerable.  Most importantly it those that feel they are worthy of being loved and respected.  And it struck me that, while I do stick my neck out, I have never felt worthy of love or respect.  In fact, I take it as a given that I'm not, which is why I prefer to be alone.  I don't feel respected by my colleagues, by my "friends," by my children and frequently, even by my wife.    

It's sad - but there's something about how I handle myself with others that I can't see; that I don't understand; that I'm constantly saying or being something that's inappropriate or not quite right.  I can sense it - but I haven't been able to put my finger on it, let alone correct it.  I have constantly gone through life and most interactions with regrets, and often, with humiliation.   It's all the more reason I just prefer not to engage and keep my own company.   At least I don't have the feeling of inadequacy and have to look back with regret.

The Spiral - Aug 1

……of social anxiety and the stress it causes.  

I'm now at Castle Park, about to start of month of staying here, primarily to look after Cathy, my mother-in-law. 

The last two nights featured large social events; a group dinner for Martha's friends who turned 60 and then a Castle picnic and dance.   I found all this extremely stressful.

I'm especially worried about this phenomenon because it's affecting not only my psychological well-being but also my physical health.   Sure enough, after checking, social anxiety and the stress it induces makes tremors worse - and tremors are now associated with early-onset dementia.  

There is no effective treatment for tremors, but I think at the very least, I should avoid making it worse.   I suspect that, in addition to any hereditary influence, social anxiety and its associated stress has probably been the cause of my essential tremor.  As I look back on it, all the years of working in DC included smoking to 'relieve the stress' of social interactions - and sometimes going to bars for a few drinks to calm my nerves before an event. 

Over the past year, retirement, along with COVID, have eliminated the social element (joyfully!) and I've managed to stop smoking.  I don't think it's a coincidence and that connection has helped both my psychological and physical health.  

Now that COVID is abating, the social pressures are increasing and the expectations that I take part in them, which I find extremely stressful.   I'm now more hurt - and incredulous - that Martha seems more bothered by the effect this has on her social life than on my well-being.   I have diligently helped her navigate her hearing problems.   Social anxiety, stress and the physical implications of it are no different.  She wonders how she will explain it to her friends (which is a seriously misplaced priority).   Over the many years of my professional life, Martha rarely wanted to attend any of my work-related events; either because she 'didn't know anybody,' or because of her hearing difficulty.     My explanation, when it was needed, was her hearing problem.   My condition is no different and she should be able to use the truth - that I have a neurological condition that is aggravated by social anxiety.    I don't think she really appreciates how absolutely terrifying it is for me to approach a large crowd and be expected to engage with it. 

___________

8/4/21 - I've since talked to her about it - unfortunately, with some drama - and she is sympathetic; as she typically is.    I don't know it was necessary, but she's "talked to Nathan" about it.  I know she's discussing with her mother- which is fine - and sure she'll bring up with her friends.   I'm not particularly bothered by it - since it actually gives me my solitude.  I'm just not thrilled that she and others see me as some sort of freak they have to avoid.   The nuances of this are understandably hard to grasp.  It's a little like Martha telling me her hearing is getting worse and my enrolling in a sign language class……a bit of overkill.

I think one of the better ways to explain this is through the empathy Martha naturally feels for Chris.  Not only do he and Jamie have ET; but I think Chris suffers with some of the same social anxiety problems that I have.

It just broke my heart when I would hear his friends grinding on him during their band practice when he "couldn't get it."   I could hear the frustration and humiliation in his voice.  We watched him struggle with a variety of sports - basketball, lacrosse, soccer - and each time we could see his frustration and embarrassment.  And we watched him struggle along with our family activities, in golf, kayaking, etc.  Each time, we could see his feeling of inadequacy and humiliation.   I can totally relate to that.   He's opted out.   Like me, he's built a wall and not engaged, to protect himself.   Is it any wonder that his circle of friends is small and that his refuge is in video games??

I do things alone because I've faced humiliations like that through life.  I never played sports much because I was more afraid of screwing up and embarrassing myself -- and letting teammates down - than I found in any joy of playing.   In my case, it comes from an overabundance of self-consciousness.   When public speaking, playing the drums or playing golf I can not get past that PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME!  It makes it absolutely impossible for me to focus on the task at hand.   Consequently, I suck at it, and get more humiliated and it becomes a vicious cycle.    It makes sense.  I once heard someone say that the CPU in your brain can only manage so many tasks - and if it's consumed with one, the others suffer.

And that gets to really basic motivations.  Mine has always been based on fear and the avoidance of failure rather than on a passion for success and accomplishment (usually).    

___________________________

The Castle Park conundrum has also made me contemplate the concept of friendships - since I sense the risk of my withdrawing into myself even more.    In contrast to my youth, I now rebel against the idea that friendships should be based on geography.   In fact, I've now pretty much disowned by childhood friendships that were based on a mutual location.   Shouldn't friendships be based on common values; similar spiritual and social outlooks, intellectual pursuits or even hobbies?   Those can be bred and cultivated in a geographic community, but even those are not the complete basis of a friendship.   I suppose I'm defining friendship more as a 'soulmate.'   Casual, incidental 'friendships' don't hold much appeal to me.  They seem superficial, gossipy and transitory.   If I'm to have any friendships, I'm looking for them to be based on deep, mutual convictions on social and political issues, on spiritual outlook,  intellectual interests and hobbies.   I have Martha for much of that.   But to build beyond her (which she wants) I'm relying on going to where I'd find those people - instead of simply settling for the people in my neighborhood.

And that takes me back to what I value in myself as well as friendships.   While I'm not really very good at it, I do place a high priority on 'productivity,' self-improvement and making advancements in skills and learning.   I want to strongly emphasize - I DO NOT PASS JUDGEMENT ON ANYONE WHO DOES THIS - but I can't watch fictional television, can't play games……etc.    I HAVE to read histories, watch documentaries, study my drumming, perfect……etc.   Not only because I feel duty-bound, but also because I enjoy it.  And those are the kind of people I want to share time with and learn from…….not the cursory exchanges that pass for friendship here and elsewhere.

Castle Park Treading - August 22

Now through a few weeks of biding time here, primarily to look after Cathy.  When I did a brief trip to Chicago to visit my family, she fell, hit the back of her head and had to be taken to the hospital.   So now we feel obligated to make sure someone is here all the time in case she falls again.

We began this marathon frustrated and anxious - for two reasons.   We had intended to have the basement of the cottage redone, replacing the mold-infested walls and replace the shower and vanity.  But John and Betsy got together and concocted a rule that no one of them (really either Betsy or Martha) should pay the majority of any remodeling/capital expense…..because it would leave the impression of greater "rights." to it.   Clearly, Betsy is pushing this notion because she could not afford to match what we are willing to contribute.   And she's played passive-aggressive with the whole thing; 'forgetting' that we're doing it and blowing off an appointment with the contractor.   Add to that the state she left the cottage, her unreliability and unpredictability, left Martha and me frustrated that partnering with her on the place will be a never ending source of problems -- and we may never be able to make the kind of improvements that we envisioned.  

So we started to think about buying another place nearby.  It turned out that there are a group of homes being built just outside Castle Park - Cottages at Kelly Creek - that intrigued us.   We'd have the benefit of being as close as possible to CP, without actually being in it.   We'd retain 'membership' because of Martha's ownership of the cottage, not have to deal with initiation fees of a place in the Park - and Betsy could deal with the mold.   

We went to meet with the builder and were very impressed with the offering.  Interest rates are low right now, we wouldn't need to come up with the down payment until closing, and we could ask Chris and company to take over the Richmond house for a year or so -- which would help both of us.

Ultimately, we decided not to make the commitment -- at least right now.   First, we haven't even been in our Richmond house for a year, and Jamie is coming to live with us, which could complicate things.  It would undoubtedly stretch our finances.   And Martha is not psychologically ready to commit to living in Holland.  It's conservative, religious and doesn't have the culture that Richmond or other places do.

We consoled ourselves with the reality that we have Richmond yet to focus on -- and ultimately we might actually be able to remodel the cottage after Cathy is gone (though this could still be a political struggle) and/or we decide to move to Holland and find something else.

The second reason we're frustrated and anxious is Cathy.  She'll be 100 years old in two months and she is in pretty good shape for her age.   But she has insisted on coming to Castle Park -- and what's more, that her children serve as her caregivers while she's here, for almost as long as she dictates!  It will work out to almost 10 weeks!!  I think it's absolutely absurd that she's able to dictate those terms - and it's just as absurd that her children actually do it.   Martha is forced to spend her days making Cathy breakfast, taking her on trips in the golf cart, hair appointments, fixing her lunch, tending to her movements, etc.  It's exhausting and completely ridiculous.  We are put in this impossible situation because in addition to Cathy's demand and expectation, it is accommodated by Betsy's sanctimonious martyrdom to prove that "she will give all for others!"   This self-narrative of hers has caused enormous problems in her family  -- her divorce and her children's issues - and affects us in this situation.   Martha cannot afford to do any less than Betsy for risk of looking cruel to her mother.    So when Cathy demands to be in CP all of July and Betsy minds her……then tells Martha that she has to be here all of August to take care of her, we're stuck.

Cathy herself is oblivious.  Not because she's 100 years old.  She's been selfish and entitled her whole life.  While most of us would never think of asking our children to take care of us for months, she doesn't see any imposition.   She feels it's her due to be in CP as long as she likes.   And that extends to other things; including the use of the cottage.   One of Martha's best friends recently passed away just as the family was selling their CP cottage.   Martha noted that her sister - another good friend - would like to come and visit and, needing a place to stay, could stay in our place.  Cathy squashed it.  "I wouldn't like that idea."  And that was that.

Again - it's amazing to me that Martha and her siblings roll over on every single thing their mother dictates.   She was coddled by her parents, coddled by her husband and coddled by her children.  No one has ever told her 'no.'  

Martha consoles herself that this can't go on forever.  Personally, if this situation hasn't changed by next year (meaning either Cathy has died or is incapable of going to CP), I think Betsy and Martha should set a four week limit - two for each of them - to accommodate their mother.  The question is whether Betsy would go along with it - or whether we'd be blackmailed by her martyrdom again.

Ugh!!   We need to get out of here.

******

Continuing - 8/24/21

Martha’s family continues to piss me off.  They are perpetually selfish and inconsiderate. 

Yesterday we had a major issue with a backup in the laundry room drain.  I was dealing with a plumber who was valiantly working huge snakes over two hours to get it cleared.  Then John called me, telling me we had to get over to his place because dinner was ready(?!)  He knew what was going on, but he was more worried about his meal getting cold than our crisis.  I sent the others over and when I finally got there, he gave me an inane card and a “noodle” as a birthday gift.  (?!)

When Cathy asked me what I tipped the plumber, I told her $40 and she said she would only do $30.  I thought “because you’ve never had to do that work, you do t know what he had to do - and your grandson does that work!!  Would you want his customers to appreciate his efforts?

Tonight, John asked me about the water damage.  I had bought a shop-vac.  When I mentioned it still stank down there, he shrugged and said “oh, we’ll” - clearly not willing to entertain our remodeling discussion.

Tonight, he told us to eat as soon as he was seated with food-but not everyone else was seated.

He's never asked about me or anything about our family our interests.

His meals and hosting - like the rest of Martha’s family is half-ass, slip-shod, loosey-goosey and really insulting to others.  They are each tremendously self-centered and inconsiderate. 

We did the benefit and joy of having Chris come out and visit us for a few days.  He doesn't use much of his vacation time and Castle Park is a familiar place for him to simply 'chill' without any real obligations.  Fortunately, he was around for my monumental 65th birthday and the three of us went to Clearbrook for dinner.

Sept 29 - Post CP - Indiana - Nashville - Smokies

Thankfully, John and Bea took Cathy home the day after Labor Day.  Martha and I hugged as the car drove away and breathed a sigh of relief.  For her part, Cathy seemed to be more than resigned to leaving and, in fact, seemed to anticipate not coming back next year.   She told Martha as much a couple times; that even if she was alive, she didn't think she could manage it.  And muttered, "this has been a good ol' cottage' before she got in the car.     That would be a remarkable acknowledgment and liberate us to manage the place more - though Betsy will still be a problem.

The truth is, Cathy's life at the Park is not much more exciting than it is at her apartment in Evanston.  Maybe even less so.   After getting up, she makes a ritual of breakfast and reading the New York Times - takes a nap - looks over books or papers - makes a ritual of lunch - reads or putters - takes a nap - maybe goes out in the golf cart - takes a nap - plays solitaire on the porch - sits down for dinner - watches television - then goes to bed.  Maybe she has some visitors and gets another ride in the golf cart or goes out for a hair appointment or bridge; but frequently, that involves navigating down all the steps.   At least in Evanston, she's on one floor, she can walk around outside without any help, has friends to visit with in the building, including a group drink/dinner session, plays bridge a couple times a week and can attend events there.   But as Martha reminds me, it's the sentimentality of CP, which, of course, requires us to tend to her.

After Cathy left, we stayed on for another ten days or so, leaving on the 19th to make our way back home to Richmond.  Those remaining days in CP were some of our most comfortable and relaxing.  Despite the small kitchen, separate beds and crude bathrooms, we didn't have anyone else to take care of, not many people in the Park and could enjoy the beach, pool and woods in a carefree, time-free, unhurried meander.   It was like a huge exhale and stretch. 

We planned our trip back home via a more circuitous route, staying with the Smiths in Indiana, visiting Nathan in Murfreesboro and trapesing in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. 

Staying with the Smiths has been a ritual of our commute to-from to Chicago and Michigan.   It breaks up the drive by a couple hours and they have always been like extended family; very welcoming and generous in their hospitality.   Their home is spectacular and a testament to their creativity and accomplishments.  

In recent years, however, Tom has sunk into dementia and he is frequently anxious and confused.  It's clearly putting a strain on Joan and Laura - who recently moved back to Elkhart from New York.   Joan's ability to manage Tom's issues along with a big house is suffering, which is made worse by her own vision and hearing problems.  

Also depressing, I've begun to see them in a new light.  Not the worldly, semi-sophisticated, well-read examples to look up to; but people who ended up with some money, happened to travel for work, developed a sense of style…..but never really got the Indiana out of them.  

In the past I've mostly dismissed their quirky conservatism, fed by a naivete and gullibility, but I started to lose my patience on this last trip and confronted Joan on her wackiness.    So, some ranting:

Fox News, 'vitamins', big house, etc.……(to be included in next segment….including Bob piece)

After bidding farewell to the Smiths, we headed down to Nashville where we visited friends Dan and Ellen, enjoying pizza and wine in their garage (COVID precaution).  Martha had known Ellen in school, and we'd connected with them in Oak Park, as part of the UU congregation.  He'd been transferred to Music City as a lawyer for Bridgestone Tires.  They are educated, strident and engaged liberals (whew!) who bought a townhouse in a quickly developing trendy area in a booming part of town - and surrounded by other liberals.  It would be an idyllic place to live -- though pricey. 

Leaving Dan & Ellen, we checked in to our hotel in Murphreesboro; about 40 minutes outside Nashville and home to Middle Tennessee State University.   Nate came over to our hotel room for a visit.  He's such a good son and had a nice chat about his life at MTSU!   After a brief workout in the hotel gym the next day, we went over and checked out Nate's apartment.  A generous arrangement with a common area and rather large bedroom area for him.  He gave us a tour of the campus; which was unremarkable.  It's a staid, state school.   We found a comfortable barbeque place in downtown Murphreesboro and chatted about his activities organizing a water-ski team with school support, his classes, his possible plans to be work at a ski resort over winter break (?), and a girl he's been seeing (!).  Turns out she's learning to be a pilot and has the same daredevil passions that he does.  Could be a good, if not dangerous, match.  

He had a class call and we left our laundry with him, but met again for dinner at the Bonefish Grill; a chain, but a higher-end seafood place.  Nate appreciated it and he indulged us with more of his ambitions and activities - including stock investing and possibly writing for the school paper. 

Nathan continues to impress us.  He's organized, mature in his intuition and understanding of the world (mostly), ambitious, adventurous, engaging and charismatic.   He's already recognized that music technology may not be the best pursuit and has reoriented towards music business….which he's more adept at anyway.   We're extremely proud of him and feel confident he'll achieve whatever he sets his sights on.

Leaving Murphreesboro the next morning we made the brief three-plus hour drive to Townsend, TN to visit the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.  Since we couldn't check in until 4:00, we drove into the Park to look around.  It was stunning, with a winding road, following a rushing, boulder-strewn river under a canopy of trees.    When we finally got into the cabin/condo we were disappointed.  Pictures are always better than the reality in many of these AirBnBs.  It wasn't quite one, in that there were NO utensils or accoutrements.  More like a hotel room, but there was no regular room service.  We either had to eat out for each meal or buy all the materials for fixing them.  We ran to the store and figured out the rough basics.

Martha had made a reservation at a resort call the Dancing Bear, only a few minutes away.  It was one of the only nice restaurants nearby, and as a lodge, also a had cabins and villas around the wooded property.  It reminded me of Savage River Lodge in Maryland.   After a comfortable outdoor meal (with an overenthusiastic young waiter) we wandered out to an open fire-pit and resolved to come back and stay there the next time we made the trek to Nashville.

When we headed into the park the next morning, the plan was to find a moderate trail of roughly four miles with some nice scenery.  We settled on Little River Trail and Cucumber trail near Elkmont, which together were closer to five.  It was pretty hike, the first half following the river, the second more strenuous.  It ended up being over six miles and two-half hours.   We'd left late and were starving when we got back to the car.   On our way out of the Park we went through Gatlinburg to take a roundabout way back to Townsend.  We were horrified!  Every square inch was taken up by tacky tourist traps (Ripley's Believe it Not?!?), mobbed with people and traffic was so thick it inched along.  Why would people interested in seeing some of the best nature has to offer spend their time in a hillbilly Las Vegas.  After those ordeals we simply settled on pizza (me) and salad (Marth) for dinner that evening.

Understandably, on our last day in Townsend we decided against any serious hiking and determined to take the main drag through the Park up to one of it's highest peak, Clingman's Dome.  As expected, it was crowded with cars, many of which were parked on the side of the road to reach the trails.  Was hiking this popular when we were kids?   The lot at the top was so crowded, parking was a challenge, but fortunately we found a spot.  Even the restrooms had lines!   There was a steep climb up to an observation tower that winded me - but the views all around were breathtaking.  

We'd discovered that Laurel Valley - where we were staying - had a golf course clubhouse with a bar along with a short menu.  (The community also has dozens of privately owned cabins, which we took note of for another visit).   There was a band playing, the drinks were good and the view was tremendous.  And it was only two minutes from our place.   A fine way to end this long extended trip.

We'd been away from Richmond for almost two months and we're anxious to get home; to get back into our own bed, but also to see Patrick who'd been living there alone.  

I'd also returned with some new resolve to exercise more discipline in my schedule and goals; to be more conscientious in exercise and (hopefully) weight loss, and also in sticking to a schedule of writing, drumming, recording and project production in an organized way.  Too often I've been sidetracked with putterings and frustrated with my lack of accomplishment.   So let's try this again.